Slowliving – time is art
Since I was very little I remember hearing that time is money. This phrase was so often repeated in my ears that it eventually became a mantra etched in my subconscious.
Without realizing it, money was the center of almost everything in my life. So much that at the moment of deciding what I wanted to study, I ended up opting for the economics. I could have chosen anything, since almost all of it pleased me, but excited about my father’s self made men life I decided to choose the area that I thought was the one allowing me to develop skills so that, like him, I could learn how to manage, control, and be wealthy … and thus be, of course, his daughter’s prodigy – thinking that this prodigy, desired by someone who was still living too much the female Oedipus complex, would bring me happiness .
Today I am aware that the childhood and youth that I had were highly castrating my femininity and how much it affected my relationship with other women, men, my body and even my sexuality.
Along with “time is money,” the mantra of “to stop is to die” was well engraved on me and was perhaps the one that vibrated until not so long ago. I thought that in order to get somewhere I had to be always producing something, thus becoming a kind of frantic robot, critical of all who operated at a more human pace than mine.
In college, the mantra continued to be repeated and to that was yet added the so famous and so often heard by all who studied economics “there is no free lunch.” I was then told that time is worth paper and that everything has a price, even a simple lunch, neglecting the fact that there is always someone who prepares it.
When it was time to start working, I then chose the employers who had more paper, the multinational companies. From that moment on, my life turned a whirl.
I worked for a few years in a sales department where I traveled a lot by car from North to South. I rested little and often my sleep was tormented by the tasks of the day after. I didn’t chew enough my lunches since I generally ate with a similar speed to the one I was driving my car – always on the highway slightly above the maximum limit allowed. I ran monthly to reach a certain sales volume and win prizes that were reflected in more money in my account at the end of the month. I then discovered the perfect recipe for a cocktail that caused me stomachaches, urinary infections and a lot of anxiety, lived for years.
No one had explained me that when time is money, we end up feeling just like a number in constant competition to reach the top digit. And that’s how I felt for a long time, but accommodated to the reality of having to do like the rest of the world, I followed that crazy math in which any sum or multiplication ended up giving zero.
With such acceleration, I lured myself to a loving relationship with a similar rhythm. And at every step, it only increased the insanity of a life that was unsustainable, not rooted and guided by the fear of not living everything today, as if tomorrow was never come.
It took me some good years to realize the madness I was living back then, and still today I am realizing some details that leave me ecstatic and almost perplexed. But little by little, those habits were replaced by new routines and different ways of living.
I took a few steps of courage and the first one was to leave a job that destroyed me. Today I see that I only dared to do it because I believed in that mad passion (or dependency) I was living. But I’m grateful even to that. After a few years and with a lot of accumulated pain, it was time to let go of that relationship that had nothing to do with me anymore. I was feeling like a numb, but determined to discover me, to respect myself as a woman and a person, and to listen to me more than before.
I went through various works that shake me and my foundations and helped to make me aware of the many patterns I had been living. I remember when things started to open, I spent a couple of years feeling like it was all coming to me.
I started by taking a course titled Build Another Life and I took the first slap, or maybe I should call it my “open your eyes”. I did corporal psychotherapy with a magical lady, in whom I discovered a maternal grandmother, and with her help I could feel my body from head to toe in a new way. Soon the other grandmother appeared to me, to balance that maternal sweetness, this time with the security and sense of paternal direction, and through family constellations I was able to recover part of my past and to make conscious many dynamics and ancestral sorrows that I was not aware of. After the grandmothers, then came the girl friends, mothers, cousins and sisters.
Eversince I remember I was the one who liked adventures and walk among the boys. As a teenager I also had more patience for the boys than for the girls, which I generally found boring, without knowing that for whom I often didn’t have patience was for me. But after my first Saturn return I also began to discover the sacred feminine, and learning to respect all the women in me, was a great step for sincere and heartfelt friendships with other women.
Then came transformation games, meetings and women’s circles and some decks of goddesses with which I connected so much. Suddenly, rescuing my feminine energy was as if I was surrounded by only wonderful women. For the first time, I was able to live these relationships without competition. And I remember spending a fascinated time with what I found out about being a woman.
In this whole process, the relationship with my parents was also transformed and more healed, and little by little the layers that covered me over many years were being withdrawn, giving way to a beautiful spring in which Sara finally blossomed.
The connection with nature has increased. The desire to be surrounded by green and to touch the earth was greater than ever. The readings of romances and tragedies were replaced by biographies of people who inspired me, and gradually my life was lighter and flowing with more magic and synchrony.
I went back to studying and at Macrobiotics I discovered a philosophy that integrated much of what I believe in. I went to Francisco Varatojo’s classes with an enthusiasm that I had never before experienced while learning. His charisma and innate ability to inspire those who listened to him, sticking to the true meaning of the word educate (which comes from Latin educare and means to guide out what is inside), also helped me to discover some of the ways to go through . The visions of a new life, more connected to me and to what surrounds me, with truth, more certainty and confidence and less anxiety, fears and pressure have been taking shape.
I created tempura.te and finally I started working on something that fascinated me and where I could be me all the time. The lightness of doing something I liked felt like a breath of fresh air.
The sentences of all my life were then dissolved in the lines of my past. Time ceased to be money and became art. The movement and actions came to be done only when they pushed me to develop and races were replaced by firm and rooted steps.
So much change has also brought to me a companion with whom I have the privilege of sharing life. We say we’re very lucky because our lives crossed. And today, I sing what I can´t speak and I paint the things I can’t express in any other way. I surrender more to the present, to myself and to life, and with this surrender, I feel more complete, fulfilled, calm and whole.
And I share this because I think we live in a society that casts our creativity, that kills the children we all carry inside, that destroys the tender and dedicated mothers that we could all become, that does not give space to us to be Women and that try to shape us and make us all the same. I also see that more of us starts to empower ourselves, to listen to what vibrates deep inside of us.
Thus this text comes as a form of hope to all of us, women. So that we have the courage to take over, to know ourselves, to accept us, to love and honor us.
Let time not to be money and become art. That to stop can mean to love ourselves stronger and that we all have the ability to look inside to make us fly higher.